He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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