you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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