I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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