Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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