He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
