i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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