At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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