the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
