You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
