I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
