so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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