I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
