u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
