there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
