The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
