I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
