Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
