Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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