i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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