I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
