Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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