my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
