Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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