i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
