You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
