not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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