As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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