my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
