when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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