So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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