I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
