Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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