I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Enjoy the penises
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
