pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
