Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
