I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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