yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
