His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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