omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
