It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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