Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
