Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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