ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
