Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
