so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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