My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
