You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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