I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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