just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
