I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
