I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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