What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
