I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
