I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
